I can't seem to drudge past this darkness, this huge shadow looming over me. I can't help but feel most the time like I still wanna slice at my wrists or jump in front of an oncoming bus or swallow a vial full of arsnic. And I don't know why. I have what I want (Namely Kira), I know who and what I am and I'm completely comfortable w/ it, I know what I want and how to get it, but none of it stops this fuckin meloncholy-ness. Maybe it's the affects of getting 0% time w/ the one thing that matters, I dunno. And I feel like I'm betraying him; the one thing I want and care about can't even make it go away. And it's not him, I don't have any wants or desires for anyone else (I never have: I'm an extreme sociphobe and I can't stand people in general. I can't see past that, therefore I'm attracted to no-one.) and even if I did, Kira would let me be w/ who I want.
I know I'm being a cynical, melodramatic little brat, but I don't know how to stop it. And I know in the end it's just me. I need a fucking little bubble of pain to survive. I dunno how to live outside this painful little existence. Kira's gotten in numourous fights w/ me about it, too. How the hell do I get out of this?...
Somebody please tell me whats wrong with me. I'm tired of not being able to eat the Skittle coz the "S" on it's distorted. Somebody please tell me whats wrong with me, please.