Well, I got some more out of Kira. Which is good, I suppose. But it wasn't exactly something I wanted to hear, ya know?
I just wish he had told me all this shit a long, long time ago (like two fucking years) and it'd be so much easier to take. He said he had had a crush on Honda quote "a long time ago" he claims it while we were in seperate middle schools. I know it's normal, ya know, but he's been telling me for all these years that he's not normal. Kira's always told me that he never felt an attraction to anyone else, that he felt the same as I do, blah blah blah.
I'm just tired or getting hit with this all now. I had created this perception about him and us, and he's constantly shattering it. All I want is to finally be able to settle in and know nothing big is gonna come up, no big secret that's gonna shatter everything again.
And I guess I'm really just hurt that he gave him more leeway than he gave me. He would have let everyone know he was with him in a second, he would of fucked him without a second thought, it's just too painfull. Kira says that Honda asked him out and he said no, which I don't believe. Why should I? He said yes to these little bitches and he claimed he had no attraction to them, and he won't give me an excuse as to why. So, either Honda never asked him out (and I have a fucking feeling that he would have jumped at the chance) or he was attracted to those girls. And not to mention the fact that Honda LOOKS LIKE FUCKING PRINCE(!) Kinda makes my self-esteem go down, ya know?
All I really wanna do right now is just say fuckit and make Kira go sleep with him. Ya know, I'm sure he'd be a whole lot fucking happier. Since he obviously got a whole lot fuckin closer to him in three years than he got to me in a whole lot longer, he should be happier. Hell, fine, I'll just be his best friend and dick on the side while he gets with him. I'm sure he'd be a whole lot fucking happier. Kira just wants to be forget to past. Well maybe I'm not fucking able.
FUCK!!! I'm in highschool again. I just wanna go to sleep. I just want to slaughter them all, ignore they existed, and start a new life. I really need to just....go to sleep.