It's clich� and boring and somehow goes against most of what I stand for or have ever said to think this way. But I'll explain it in the simplest terms possible. I'm happy.
I'm not conditioning myself to believe in some fairytale ideal to keep myself sane. Things are actually...going well. I can actually sit like the last romanticist, lamenting vociferously with a smile. And in spite of myself; in spite of lost aspirations from my teenage years of a desperate, anguish filled romance, I can say I'm happy and where I want to be without any shame involved.
For the first time in years, I do not feel like I need to be anyone else. I no longer have the mind-state of an old, bitter vigilante. I can close my eyes, and I'm stable enough to relinquish the flashes of stained nightmares that have long since haunted me. I am able to forget the pain and the blatant woe-filled self pity bullshit. I am so afraid of waking up. My one real fear, discovering this beautiful trance is nothing more than pseudo-imagery.
The pain of circumstance is there, as always. However, I believe that I can actually discover how to live around it and thru it. I know my weaknesses and diseases, and I truly do believe I can live around them, thru them.
The shovel is rusted. The past is buried. I have no need for it anymore. I understand now.
Rape me like a child, christened in blood, painted like an unknown saint
There's nothing left but hope.