I used to have an apathetic smirkey-sneer, I didn't exactly have a mild personality. But now I can barely stand a passive stare. Fuck, is this what growing up is like? If so, FUCK THAT. I'd much rather take a gun to my head now. Wait, scratch that, I'd much rather go back, me and Kira, and shoot down all the kids at my old high school, kill a few staff members executioner style (six point blank shots, right???...) I'd rather set of some type of hydrogen bomb there, then commit suicide by cop. At least make a fucking name for my self, ya know? And besides, I've come to find that being infamous is much more useful than being famous. Ahh, sweet sentimentalism. How I loathe thee.
Well, if I don't shoot up a school out of nostalgia, it'll be outta simple frustration. I guess I've been pushing myself a bit too hard. When I saw my mother, she said that I looked awful. I told her what I had been doing, and she wanted me to go to the doctor. Great. Just what I fucking need. All they need to do is bullshit some "personal threat" reasoning and they can hospitalise me. (believe me, I've been thru this before) Then they'll force me to take all the pills I was suppose to take all along, and I'm fucked. I do not, will not, take any of those personality altering meds. It won't be me. I'm willing to deal with the consequences of my problems if it means keeping some strangers hands off of Kira's face. And I know he would agree. But I can't afford to slow down. If I slow down now, I'll fail. I can not start out mine and Kira's lives together so pathetically screwed.
The attacks have gotten worse; I go from states of such a deep depression for a while and then wham! Full on attack. I used to just zig-zag between mild depression and more severe levels of mania. But the distance between the two has gotten a lot further lately. But I guess I just have to learn to ignore it for now. I need to get my work done. Then I can rest.