I Love It So Much It Just Turns to Hate, I Fake It So Real I Am Beyond Fake.
2004-02-25 8:16 p.m.

I have often found myself falling prey to my own vulnerabilities. I question too much, and it drives people away from me. In truth, I envy them so much, those who can care and ignore reality of things. Their eyes fill up mine like a broken memory, and I can't help but want to regret the simple fragments of discrimination that I have bored into my skin.

Since a young age, I have grown to despise humans in general. I have been shown time and time again that there is no reason to feel any different.

I have been beaten severely and strapped to a tree with barbed wire because of what I believe and who I love. Do I really have a reason to care?

I'm only kidding myself, that isn't the real reason. I have no proper justification. I feel this way...only because it seems so easy for them. So easy to love each other, to be happy. It's ignorant and wrong, but I can't help but mourn the fact that I had these things stripped away from me. It makes me hate them, to see them like that, only because it reminds me of what I'm not.

I have made two very good friends over the past month, Roz and Dakini, and they both have a place in my heart, in that little hole I save for those who have somehow gotten under the thick layers of shell I have surrounding me. I would love to think that something simple like this makes up for all the "bad things" I have done, but it dosen't. No matter what I feel for a select few, it will never make allowance for what I've shown to the rest.

I stand in my own shadow, in my own solidarity. I bleed and mourn for what has been raped and taken from me. The child in me cries for what I am now. My negative fades and rots into a hollow desolate existence.

It dosen't matter. It's just a new sore.

+==Destroy Once Done==+