Anyone that knows me...understands I have lived an uncommon life. Things I have seen...have horrified me.
Tears from those whom I love. Blood that spilled on my account, one way or another. A large amount of death and poverty. The only thing that makes me human dying. These are all more or less common. They are horrible and no one should have to live thru them...but they are not worse than things that many people have experienced. This is just simply life. But there are so many other things...things that will poison me for years. I do not wish to explain. Not here. My own personal tragedies.
I repress so much. Most of it goes away. Sometimes that's the only way you can continue your day to day, it's the only thing that keeps you alive. But something small, like a scar, makes itself apparent and that familiar sickness fills you. The bile rises in your throat, your eyes slam shut, your fists shake. These memories...flood into my blood.
Fuck you, Kira. Fuck you for making me remember. Fuck you for making me live. The memories, the pain you gave me...aren't they enough? Haven't I gone thru enough pain, enough punishment? I just want to live out my life. Forget all this. Start new with nothing but you.
I wish I wasn't stained with blood. I would give up so much to purge myself of these memories. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to just want to feel human again?