It was back in high school, my senior year. Me and Kira had been together for three years, but he still didn't want anyone to know. Mercutio had figured out by then, and he was actually pretty mad at Kira for acting like that. But anyway, at the time he was dating Chelly. (I don't feel like editing the fucking whores name.) Some badness had happened, I think me and him were fighting, I was having a lot of attacks. I hadn't ate anything really other than a piece of bread here and there in over a month.
Since I wasn't really talking with him, he hung out with her for lunch while I sat with Mercutio. He was laughing with her and playing with her, I guess like a normal boyfriend would be with his girlfirend. Then again, it could of just been me. I have a tendancy to have delusions every once in a while, and Mercut swears up and down Kira was barely acting civil w/ her. Wether or not I was hallucinating or he was trying to spare my feelings I don't know. Anyway, when he went to kiss her, it bothered me more than usual. It always hurt, but then...I really felt as if my entire body was being crushed, burned, and torn apart all at the same time. I got up and left. Nobody cared to follow.
So I went to my empty home and just paced for a good hour and a half. Kira came early, skipping his last period. He walked in, with he wide, bright, genuinely innocent eyes and dared to ask me what was wrong. I...got kinda crazed. I kissed him, I held him down, and well...I think I raped him. It was voluntary on his part, he didn't fight, but I could feel his pain and hear his tears. I didn't mean to...it wasn't my goal, but for some reason I did it anyway. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted to have to power.
I finished, and I looked into his eyes, full of what was liquid poison to me, but so fucking full of understanding. I couldn't stand myself. I would of killed anyone for putting those tears in his beautiful green eyes, and I had done it. I felt myself as no exception. I started sobbing, he tried to mutter it okay. I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in. I had wanted to die all my life, but it was then I wanted to feel pain. To wither and punish myself for ever hurting him.
I shoved my fingers down my throat, not getting more up than a little bile. I grabbed cleaner from under the sink and was going to swallow it, but then I shrunk into the realization it probably wouldn't kill me; and when they pumped my stomach and saw how soft my teeth were, they would know that I was anorexic. I frantically dug thru bathroom mirror, and grabbed the pack of razor blades that were there. I cut my wrists, as deep as possible. I had never cut myself as a measure of suicide before, but it was the only way I could see to now.
Right after that, I blank. I don't remember what happened. I know it was very dark, but I could hear things, I just couldn't distinguish them. All I can remember is hearing what sounds like Heart-Shaped Box over and over again. The first coherent memory I have is feeling completely numb, almost out of body-esque, in a hospital room. Kira was the only one there, He started crying and laughing. He was shaking, and probably more upset than realieved. He called me an idiot. I don't know if I got it out, but I tried to say "I'm sorry". I blacked out again.
We talked and he asked me why and I gave some trite cliche excuse, mostly because I couldn't stand to look him in the eye. He kissed my forehead and left, saying that I had an appointment. I was mildly aware I was in the nut ward of the hospital. Some female shrink came in, and I used my usual charm to convince her that I wasn't trying to kill myself. I told her the truth: I cut because it's my realease and escape, and is a million times less harmfull than smoking or drinking or taking drugs. I told her I didn't wanna die, that I just wasn't paying attention to what I was doing (which was a lie.) So my natural allure convinced her that I wasn't any more fucked up than any smoker or casual drinker out there.
I got released with ease; but everyone still knew what I had done. After a couple of weeks, I headed back to school. I hadn't talked to Kira at all since then. He came and sat by me when I was still at the hospital and at home; but I didn't have the courage to talk to him. The first day back at school, everyone was giving me these looks. I usually didn't care, but at the time I was emotionally anaemic. Kira wirthed his way thru the crowd, came up to me, and he kissed me. He kissed me in front of everyone. For me and for everyone gawking at us, he told me that he loved me. I registered Chelly's shocked cry in the back of my head and was internally amused. I looked up into Kira's smiling eyes and sobbed into his chest.
From that moment on, I din't have to hide anymore. I didn't have to be in pain. I could...be really awake for the first time. I am Kira's, Kira is mine, and nothing can change that.