I sat with my family today. They ordered some Chinese/Japanese food, and they treated me like some sort of novelty. (It's my mothers side of the family; their Irish. The Japanese comes from my fathers side of the family) I wouldn't have cared, if she wasn't there.
My mother never wanted me as a child. She want's her. This grew when she found out I was not only gay, but a Buddhist, too. Meghan is the perfect child. A girl that could be molded to conform to anyones thoughts. She's not like me. Her achievements were always thrown in my face. When I got kicked out of school, my mother told me, "Meghan would have never done this." When I've had manic attacks, she told me "Meghan dosen't have to hide behind fake a fake bipolar disorder." Fake?? Of course it is, no matter what doctor said so. It's my problem. I have always been expected to emulate my cousin. As stupid as this is, and no matter how much it shouldn't affect me, I haven't lost those child-hood insecurities.
I sat there and ate quitely as they made fun of my koibitto, my culture, my religion, me. I put up my usual front, but I still feel so apprehensive. I hate the fact that they have that power over me. I should be much fucking stronger. I can not let them hold such rubbish proganda against me. I need to find a way to overcome that weakness. I need to before somebody finds it out. I can not look weak. If I do, it won't only be me who will be in jeporady.