I ended up some some odd fucking reason (I know what the slang is; I shouldn't of been reading it anyway) this diary miagoddess and I couldn't help but...I dunno, just feel so fucking angry about it. It's hypocritical, but I just wanna scream how fucking stupid she is for acting like that. It makes me think and REMEMBER way too much!! I just...I never did it for weight, I used it as a defense mechanism when things were bad, but it...just really affected me.
I'm better now, I really am...but I can't help but wanna cry everytime my throat starts bleeding or I can't literally eat more than a few bites w/o feeling nausous. And on top of that...these short-range courses I'm taking to get the credits neccesary to get my directors and critics liscenses, they have this huge section on eating disorders...and I don't think I can do it. I could ask to be excused from that lesson, but I don't have...I don't have the strengh to look my instructor in the eyes and try to explain anything. Then everyone would know and I mean, I get shit for being queer already...imagine what would happen if anyone knew that I (being a guy) used to have anorexia? I just can not handle it. Especially w/ all this STRESS that I have to deal with. I got over it over a year and a half ago!!! Shouldn't...all those feelings be gone by now? Should I still be so fucking insecure? I just don't want to feel dead inside anymore. Kira made everything better, and I don't have a reason to be depressed anymore...so why isn't everything better? I haven't stuck a finger down my throat or starved (well, intentionally, anyway) myself in 19 months. But I sometimes still feel like I need to. I'm strong enough to resist it, but it still hurts. Maybe when me and boku no koi can actually live together and all this...badness is gone...then maybe it'll actually be over.