I continued the repetitive motions. My muscles ached, and my hands were trickling blood. I didn't care, I continued.
My mind drifted. I just wanted to indulge myself in the physical pain. I didn't want to feel the real pain anymore. Despite my best efforts, my mind kept drifting. Pictures frozen in my memory, seeping guilt I could not hope to evade, it all broke me down. A rather deep sea of self loathing and self pity...pure grief. It dulled everything to the point that I couldn't think, I couldn't act. And no matter how much I struggled, I couldn't seem to pull myself to the surface...
Rake. Shovel. Rake. Shovel.
I was in a complete coma, I couldn't handle the world. All I could see was her face, the blood pooling out of her mouth. So I did the only thing I could think of; complete and utter escapism. I have pushed myself into a complete hiatus this week, acted like I was in high school again. Every responsibility I could possibly avoid I did. I haven't cried since the day it happened...
Rake. Shovel.
A branch cracked and fell behind me. I startled me out of whatever thought I was in. And something broke inside. Something snapped, and I felt like I could breath again. Like I surfaced.
I dropped the rake. I fell to my knees, and bawled my eyes out. I shoved it so far away that it just busted out. I sat a little ball on the ground, and cried for upwards of an hour. And I felt better. Like I can really mourn now.
I am still completely confused on my state in things. I'm still torn between whether I wanna shun everything and completely and fully isolate myself in my own existence, or grasp on to my beloved as tight as possible and not let go. I don't know what to do or think. But I know, at least it's better now. It's going to be okay, and maybe I can hope to find some sort of footing...
Happy holidays, minna-san. I hope you can find joy and warmth in the season.